Falling Apart
by MacKenzie Rabb
Summary: Post - "Lifeline" The lives of four characters are sent into a tailspin. Last two chapters added.
1. Conflicted

Title: Falling Apart: Conflicted (1/4)  
  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG   
  
Written: May 9-14, 2001  
  
Classification: HMR; Angst  
  
Spoilers: "Lifeline"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.  
  
Summary: Mac contemplates her complicated situation.  
  
Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Mac tossed her purse on the bed, grabbed her robe, and headed for the bathroom. She removed her dress, put on her robe, and washed the makeup from her face.  
  
All the motions were mechanical. Every step, every breath she'd taken since that moment on Admiral Chegwidden's porch had been. So many things were swirling around in her mind, that she thought it no small miracle that she'd gotten through the rest of the party at all.  
  
But Marines were trained to hide their feelings, their emotions, and the Corps had done a wonderful job on her.  
  
From the bathroom, she went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and then to the couch where she could breathe, *really breathe*, for the first time in hours.  
  
Guilt and shock were the emotions of the night for her. She'd told Mic she wanted to be home alone tonight. She'd claimed a terrible headache, which she knew was the lamest excuse on the books, but he just kissed her, told her goodnight, and let her go. There was none of the persistent questions she usually got, so she knew he had to suspect something. How much was the question.  
  
She held the cool glass against her face and took a deep breath.  
  
Why now? she thought. Why did he choose now to say those things, to. . . to kiss me like that? Well, that started out my fault, but the rest. . .  
  
The rest had been Harm's fault. She'd meant it as only a mere touch of the lips, and when she'd tried to back away he wouldn't let her. He'd leaned in and given her more than she ever bargained for.  
  
She sighed and leaned back into the couch.  
  
Things had been so rocky with them for so long, and tonight had felt so much like old times.  
  
Except that unlike old times she was engaged to another man, and that's why they were at a party in the first place.  
  
Harm had pretty much admitted he loved her, so what did he expect her to do now? He hadn't begged her not to marry Mic or anything melodramatic like that, but how did he think that would make her feel? Now that she knew what she always wanted to know, what was she supposed to do about it?  
  
"Damn you, Harmon Rabb," Mac muttered.  
  
How many times had she said or thought that?  
  
It was too much to think about at such a late hour, but she knew she'd never sleep.  
  
We've been through so much, how did it all come to this? she thought.  
  
They'd recalled just how much they had been through. And with all the memories they shared, one had to wonder how she'd ever wound up with Mic in the first place.  
  
I was hurt, and I knew 'not now' didn't mean never and I gave into him anyway. What is wrong with me?  
  
I know for sure now that I don't love Mic, but I can't do this to him two weeks before the wedding. Way to go, MacKenzie. You really know how to get into some screwed up situations, she thought.  
  
When I said I was giving up men, why didn't I mean it?  
  
She couldn't stop thinking about Harm's kiss. From the moment their lips had touched, her entire body had been on fire. She was almost grateful that they'd been on the Admiral's porch, or she didn't know what might've happened. It was just too much, even if all she'd ever wanted was for Harm to finally take charge.  
  
Why did he have to do it at the last possible moment?  
  
Because he's a man, and that's how they are, Mac thought bitterly. Most of them can't see what they have till it's gone.  
  
What are you going to do? a little voice in her head nagged.  
  
"I don't know," she said out loud. "Great," she murmured, "now I'm talking to myself."  
  
Mac got up with a sigh and headed for the bedroom.  
  
This might be the longest night of my life, she thought.  
  
End 1 


	2. Guilty

Title: Falling Apart: Guilty (2/4)  
  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG   
  
Written: May 14-16, 2001  
  
Classification: HMR; Angst  
  
Spoilers: "Lifeline"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.  
  
Summary: Harm tries to deal with losing the woman he loves.  
  
Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!  
***********************************************************************  
  
Harm was still driving. It had been two hours since he left the party, and he was still driving around the Virginia countryside as if he were lost.  
  
But then again, maybe he was lost.  
  
He'd really done it tonight, and now he was beating himself up for it.  
  
Let her know you love her the night of her engagement party. Way to go, Rabb, he thought.  
  
When he arrived at the Admiral's, he'd had no intention of ever saying any of the things he'd said. If Mac was getting married, he'd had no intention of *ever* saying them.  
  
But she'd pushed, and he'd responded. She had a way of doing that to him. Mac could take his calmness and totally obliterate it, leading him to say things he'd never say if he wasn't staring into the chocolate colored eyes of a gorgeous Marine.  
  
Harm had never expected her to kiss him either, no matter how small or innocent she'd intended it to be. He found himself wanting so much more, practically demanding it from her. And the more he lost himself in that moment, the more he wondered how he could stand by and watch his best friend and the woman he loved marry someone else. Someone he was almost certain she didn't love.  
  
But she had to decide what she wanted, he couldn't do it for her. If she didn't choose him, well then he'd just have to try to get over her and move past it. Getting over her might be easier said than done, considering he'd been trying to for over four years already.  
  
He thanked God that Renée had had to do some post-production work on her commercial, and he could be alone. Seeing her now would be the last thing he'd be able to handle.  
  
He didn't want to hurt her, but he knew he'd never be able to give her all the things she wanted. When he told Mac he wasn't marrying Renée, he hadn't just meant 'not right now', he'd meant never. And she had "hinted" enough in the past that he knew exactly what she was after.  
  
He didn't love her. At least not enough to marry her, and if that meant spending the rest of his life alone, that was something he'd have to live with. It was Mac or nothing now, because he'd just spend the rest of his life comparing every other woman to her.  
  
Maybe he'd done a lot of things wrong in the past, but he still didn't feel that Brumby deserved Mac. As much as he tried to like him, there was just something about the guy that rubbed him the wrong way. Somehow he still couldn't tell her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life.  
  
Harm banged a fist against the steering wheel. He'd gotten out of some fixes in his time, but he couldn't see any way out of this one. It was a little harder when it had little to do with him.  
  
He'd thought more than once about not showing up at the wedding, but if they were going to stay friends at all, they didn't need that rift. Not being there would kill anything they had left once and for all.  
  
Harm finally stopped in the parking lot of a little church, tired of driving.  
  
He really only wanted what was best for her, but tonight on that porch he thought of about a million un-noble things he wanted to do to stop her. That included picking her up and hauling her off to some place where they could really be alone. And he would have, if she hadn't backed away at the very moment she had. She would never know just how close he was to letting go.  
  
Too little, too late, he thought ruefully.  
  
End 2 


	3. Holding On

Title: Falling Apart: Holding On (3/4)  
  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG   
  
Written: May 16-21, 2001  
  
Classification: Renée Vignette; Angst  
  
Spoilers: "Lifeline"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.  
  
Summary: Renée's upset by the night's events.  
  
Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!  
***********************************************************************  
  
I've lost him, it's as simple as that, Renée thought, hardly paying attention to the other people in the editing room.  
  
Her mind hadn't been on her work much since she'd had to come back to the studio after Mac's engagement party. She wondered why she'd even bothered to go, considering she hadn't seen Harm much the entire time she was there.  
  
He spent the whole party out on the porch with *her*. It's always for Mac. 'Mac this' and 'Mac that' is all I ever hear. And he doesn't even realize it, she thought bitterly.  
  
She had been watching them when they came in for cake. They looked guilty about something, and they didn't go back out for the remainder of the evening. Something was up, she could see it all over their faces.  
  
Renée had had plenty of boyfriends stolen from her, but it had never mattered much because she didn't love them.  
  
She loved Harm, and that's why she couldn't make herself really like Mac. She was a threat bigger than the Navy, bigger than Harm's law career. Her biggest fear was that Mac had such a firm hold on his heart that he'd never be able to give any part of it to anyone else.  
  
Mac's getting married and I still don't have him, so what will it take? You can't make somebody love you, so why am I still here?   
  
The questions had been swirling in her mind for months. It had made her compare herself to Mac too many times to count.  
  
Maybe I'm not as smart, or as pretty, or as tough. What difference does that make? Everybody's different, she thought.  
  
The truth was she hadn't felt this insecure since junior high school. Back then she'd had braces, glasses, and a terrible haircut. And even though she'd shed all those things, standing next to Mac when Harm was looking at them, she still felt the same as she did then.  
  
She wasn't the only one with insecurities though. Talking to Mic tonight, she finally realized just how afraid he was of losing his fiancée. The look on his face said that he really didn't believe Mac and Harm were saying goodbye, or getting it out of their systems, or any other delusion he'd tried to convince himself of.  
  
She knew exactly how he felt.  
  
Sure she'd gotten Harm to open up a little bit lately, but that didn't mean anything except that he was trying to appease her constant questions. She was well aware that some people found her obnoxious, so she wondered if he did too. But if he did, why would he be with her?  
  
Too many questions were buzzing around in her head that she couldn't concentrate on anything the tech people were asking her.  
  
Finally she brushed them all off, and went to the small kitchen in the studio for another cup of coffee.  
  
Two more weeks, that's all. Then she's married, out of his life.  
  
But she knew it wasn't true. She'd heard about how long he could hold onto things, and his love for Mac would be no different. Even if she got married, even if she moved all the way to Australia someday, there wouldn't be anyone else for him.  
  
He wouldn't love me, and I couldn't make him love me. I love him too much to make him so unhappy. I'll hold on for a bit longer, but if he's not over her after the wedding, I'm gone. If he can't love me, I'll just have to move on somehow.  
  
Renée went back into the studio and sat back down in front of the monitors, resigned to the decision she might soon have to make.  
  
End 3  



	4. Losing

Title: Falling Apart: Losing (4/4)  
  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG   
  
Written: May 21-31, 2001  
  
Classification: Brumby Vignette; Angst  
  
Spoilers: "Lifeline"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.  
  
Summary: Brumby realizes all that he might finally lose.  
  
Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!  
***********************************************************************  
  
Mic Brumby had been falling down drunk. At least until about an hour ago. Even when he began to sober up, he was still seeing three Capitols instead of one out his picture window. But alcohol was only part of a cure for denial.  
  
The other was his engagement party.  
  
He'd had his biggest sobering experience just a few short hours ago, and nothing had ever made him want to get so smashed in his life.  
  
What Renée had said was right; he wasn't thick headed. He had just been trying all along to make his relationship with Sarah work. But tonight he realized that Harm wasn't somebody she'd gotten over or was going to.  
  
There was no denying it anymore. He was fighting what was most likely a losing battle.  
  
Why else wasn't his fiancée with him tonight? Why else had she developed a headache that she'd shown no sign of before they pulled into her parking lot?  
  
And why had she spent most of her engagement party with *him*?  
  
At three in the morning, with a nasty hangover, defeat seeped through quite easily.  
  
Not that he hadn't seen it coming for some time. Every time Harm needed someone, she went running. She worried about him endlessly. And whenever she said anything about him, Mic had to bite his tongue and pretend it didn't matter.  
  
But lately it had mattered more and more. Mac had been away on a lot of cases with Harm the last few months, and she was extremely worried about him when Jordan was killed.  
  
She also endlessly referred to him as her best friend. As her fiancé, he thought that should be *his* role.  
  
Brumby had been fighting Harm and Mac's past history since the day he met her. He knew Harm loved her, but he also knew he had never said so. So, for a great while, he thought he'd be able to make Sarah love him.  
  
Though he was sure she cared for him a great deal, he didn't think love had ever entered the picture. At least not for her.  
  
Despite all the signs he'd clearly seen, she accepted his proposal, finally. And after all that time, all that waiting, he had half a mind to tell her not to be with him if she didn't *really* mean it.  
  
The other half won out.  
  
Now, half-hearted or not, they were getting married in two weeks.  
  
That is, if one Harmon Rabb didn't interfere.  
  
Mic knew he wasn't easy to love, he been told as much many times. So to have a woman like Sarah for his own was beyond his wildest dreams.  
  
All this time I thought I'd won. I'd finally won something worth keeping. Only too late I realized Sarah wasn't, isn't, a prize. She's not that to me, but sometimes I've treated her like she is. Really all I want is to love her and give her everything she ever dreams of, Mic thought miserably.  
  
But will she ever see past Harm? Can I ever make her see he won't do all of that for her?  
  
His fifteen months of conflict and doubt had reached an all time high. He realized that maybe he didn't have it all, and despite all his previous confidence, maybe he really was losing.  
  
The End  



End file.
